Kayla Quote: "You need to tell someone else, not me. I cannot handle it."
Short Synopsis: Kayla is excited to be leaving but emotionally fragile. She needs to be treated carefully with "kid gloves" as they say.
Long Story: It is 6:15 a.m. and I go bike riding with Kathy, Lisa and Robert. We are all in training for the triathlon. Lisa sets the pace and they take off. I am alone early in the ride. There is mold in the bottom of my water bottle that I did not know was there (from the year before) and I gag on it. I hit every red light along the 14 mile route so I have no chance to get them in my sights. My chain falls off and I precisely put it back on. My hands are full of black grease. Still, it is the most perfect weather and I look forward to the red raspberries that are ripe along the way. Will stop and snack on them, plucking each and every one off. There are deer posing in still repose as I pass them. They look fake. It is peaceful and quiet, belying the day ahead of me.
There are many details to cover in the morning. I ponder the time results of my companion cyclists. They do it in 50-55 minutes. I do it in 1 hour and 11 minutes. I am a hanger-on-er.
I will make Kayla her favorite foods - hot oatmeal with brown sugar, cinnamon, raisins ("Bring to me and I will put it all on," she commands) cut up watermelon and a skim milk coffee coolata gotten along the way. Food is a soothing comfort.
I email Mack, a local journalist, at the press asking him if he is "MackBRead" a follower of my blog and he never answers. I assume that he is.
All the animal kingdom antics occur in our home. This morning I spend time rescuing a young chipmunk in my clothes closet. Babee and Moo Moo are there waiting to grab it. Their eyes are big and black and evil looking. I use them to flush creatures out of their hiding places. This one is tiny and a goner without my intervention. A big bowl is plopped on top of it. It is slow and in shock. Its rug like fur is perfectly orange and I wish I could touch it. The cats watch but are now in the closet snorting all the lucious smell into their nostrils. I sneak out and release the hapless critter in the far reaches of our yard. It slips into the haven of the stone wall.
It is later now and I check on these two cats. They are both sleeping in the office downstairs near each other. Hunting is over for the time being.
I look everywhere for the pain journal which has been inactive for several months. I finally find it in the pink bucket with the many different bottles of Kayla's old medicines. She will be on everything different now. These were meds to keep her deteriorating transplanted heart going. They are useless now. There will be a whole new list of medicines that she will be discharged with. I will put these in alphabetical order and line them up in the special cupboard where we keep all old medicines in the basement so heat and moisture don't destroy them. They should be thrown out but the doctors at Columbia say to keep them for now. Some may be needed.
I get caught up in cleaning Kayla's desk downstairs. Wow! It really looks great. I respectfully put all her hand-written notes in a plastic zipper bag. Some of the detail on there will be important to her in her future when she can pick up her life again. Most of the little pieces of paper are "to do" lists with daily detail. She has not lost her ability to plan what she wants done each and every day. When the desk drawer is opened, it is full of older plastic bags with more daily lists. Life on hold.
I cannot make the 1:30 cardiologist meeting that is hastily made at the last minute. I call to tell Kayla that the notice was too short.
"You should have called at 12:30 to let me know," she replies.
I tell her, "My stomach hurts."
She thinks I am sick. "No, it's stress."
Kayla doesn't want her parents stressed out and worries we are being done in by her. She says she can't live with herself. She then calls Thomas and Mike and panics. She doesn't want me to drive.
"I am fine," I tell her. "I can drive through anything. Driving calms me down," I am emphatic.
Then the phone calls follow me.
Mike says, "She's emotionalyl fragile. She has hyper sensitive reactions and panics. You have to bottle it up!"
"I wish I could. I am not perfect. I am overwhelmed! There is lots of pressure from everyone in the hospital to get her out. There are many, many details!"
"You have to let some of them go."
"I do."
"We will have plenty of help for you when you come home with her."
"I know."
I thank him for his kindness and gentle approach and he does not blame.
"You might considerf MBSR (Mindfullness-Based Stress Reduction) to relax," he adds.
"I already use many techniques of my own...have for years. I have my ways to relax. It's just waaayyy toooo mannyyy details at this moment!"
As I drive to New York City, I feel empty and anxious. I am drowning again. I call Bumpy. She is on her way to Albany with her sister Anne. They are trying to see their ancient "Uncle Bob" who is 90 and not well. Unfortunately he has a gatekeeper so they "probably won't get to see him." She is bubbly and content to be on the road. She calms me down. I wish I was with her.
I see Kayla in the waiting room.
"You need to tell someone else. Not me! I can't handle it," she says. She needed an extra dosing of Ativan and they also gave her percoset to relax her. She stands up and walks to me. She is sad, wistful.
We go to her room and I lay across her hospital bed in exhaustion. I don't want to be here.
"What is God's purpose for me Mom? Why is he making me suffer this much? How will it turn out for me?" she laments as we are next to each other.
I am getting drowsy now, "I think when you get the next heart, you will have a good quality of life,"
She is pale and her blood pressure is low. They will keep her for a while longer.
------------------------------------
Emails ---
Wed, June 1, 2011, 11:21 a.m.
Val:
I have the sheet out. Want to come and welcome Kayla when she comes home from the hospital? We could put up the sheet. They say she may be released in about a week.
What do you think? I won't know the actual release yet.
I don't want a big crowd but you would be great.
Love,
Wed, June 1, 2011, 11:47:17 a.m.
Hi Steph! That is great news. I plan to hang out with our Kayla ALOT more when she is home. I am planning to visit, along with Mom, tomorrow at the hospital. That Kayla is just the cat's meow. We are going away next week! Yikes. We will be gone from Tuesday through Friday. I drop off Chloe (their dog) in Bethel on Monday and pick her up the following Saturday. Let me know, when you know, Kayla's ETA at home and I will try like heck to BE THERE. Obviously, if I am in Virginia with Mike on business, I will not be able to make the big homecoming, but knowing hospitals, it won't go off on time.
Love to you and that cuddly, cat-loving, death-defying Muffinetta!
Friday, June 3, 2011, 9:35:34 a.m.
Subject: Re: Kayla's Homecoming!
Love to you too,
Short Synopsis: Kayla is excited to be leaving but emotionally fragile. She needs to be treated carefully with "kid gloves" as they say.
Long Story: It is 6:15 a.m. and I go bike riding with Kathy, Lisa and Robert. We are all in training for the triathlon. Lisa sets the pace and they take off. I am alone early in the ride. There is mold in the bottom of my water bottle that I did not know was there (from the year before) and I gag on it. I hit every red light along the 14 mile route so I have no chance to get them in my sights. My chain falls off and I precisely put it back on. My hands are full of black grease. Still, it is the most perfect weather and I look forward to the red raspberries that are ripe along the way. Will stop and snack on them, plucking each and every one off. There are deer posing in still repose as I pass them. They look fake. It is peaceful and quiet, belying the day ahead of me.
There are many details to cover in the morning. I ponder the time results of my companion cyclists. They do it in 50-55 minutes. I do it in 1 hour and 11 minutes. I am a hanger-on-er.
I will make Kayla her favorite foods - hot oatmeal with brown sugar, cinnamon, raisins ("Bring to me and I will put it all on," she commands) cut up watermelon and a skim milk coffee coolata gotten along the way. Food is a soothing comfort.
I email Mack, a local journalist, at the press asking him if he is "MackBRead" a follower of my blog and he never answers. I assume that he is.
All the animal kingdom antics occur in our home. This morning I spend time rescuing a young chipmunk in my clothes closet. Babee and Moo Moo are there waiting to grab it. Their eyes are big and black and evil looking. I use them to flush creatures out of their hiding places. This one is tiny and a goner without my intervention. A big bowl is plopped on top of it. It is slow and in shock. Its rug like fur is perfectly orange and I wish I could touch it. The cats watch but are now in the closet snorting all the lucious smell into their nostrils. I sneak out and release the hapless critter in the far reaches of our yard. It slips into the haven of the stone wall.
It is later now and I check on these two cats. They are both sleeping in the office downstairs near each other. Hunting is over for the time being.
I look everywhere for the pain journal which has been inactive for several months. I finally find it in the pink bucket with the many different bottles of Kayla's old medicines. She will be on everything different now. These were meds to keep her deteriorating transplanted heart going. They are useless now. There will be a whole new list of medicines that she will be discharged with. I will put these in alphabetical order and line them up in the special cupboard where we keep all old medicines in the basement so heat and moisture don't destroy them. They should be thrown out but the doctors at Columbia say to keep them for now. Some may be needed.
I get caught up in cleaning Kayla's desk downstairs. Wow! It really looks great. I respectfully put all her hand-written notes in a plastic zipper bag. Some of the detail on there will be important to her in her future when she can pick up her life again. Most of the little pieces of paper are "to do" lists with daily detail. She has not lost her ability to plan what she wants done each and every day. When the desk drawer is opened, it is full of older plastic bags with more daily lists. Life on hold.
I cannot make the 1:30 cardiologist meeting that is hastily made at the last minute. I call to tell Kayla that the notice was too short.
"You should have called at 12:30 to let me know," she replies.
I tell her, "My stomach hurts."
She thinks I am sick. "No, it's stress."
Kayla doesn't want her parents stressed out and worries we are being done in by her. She says she can't live with herself. She then calls Thomas and Mike and panics. She doesn't want me to drive.
"I am fine," I tell her. "I can drive through anything. Driving calms me down," I am emphatic.
Then the phone calls follow me.
Mike says, "She's emotionalyl fragile. She has hyper sensitive reactions and panics. You have to bottle it up!"
"I wish I could. I am not perfect. I am overwhelmed! There is lots of pressure from everyone in the hospital to get her out. There are many, many details!"
"You have to let some of them go."
"I do."
"We will have plenty of help for you when you come home with her."
"I know."
I thank him for his kindness and gentle approach and he does not blame.
"You might considerf MBSR (Mindfullness-Based Stress Reduction) to relax," he adds.
"I already use many techniques of my own...have for years. I have my ways to relax. It's just waaayyy toooo mannyyy details at this moment!"
As I drive to New York City, I feel empty and anxious. I am drowning again. I call Bumpy. She is on her way to Albany with her sister Anne. They are trying to see their ancient "Uncle Bob" who is 90 and not well. Unfortunately he has a gatekeeper so they "probably won't get to see him." She is bubbly and content to be on the road. She calms me down. I wish I was with her.
I see Kayla in the waiting room.
"You need to tell someone else. Not me! I can't handle it," she says. She needed an extra dosing of Ativan and they also gave her percoset to relax her. She stands up and walks to me. She is sad, wistful.
We go to her room and I lay across her hospital bed in exhaustion. I don't want to be here.
"What is God's purpose for me Mom? Why is he making me suffer this much? How will it turn out for me?" she laments as we are next to each other.
I am getting drowsy now, "I think when you get the next heart, you will have a good quality of life,"
She is pale and her blood pressure is low. They will keep her for a while longer.
------------------------------------
Emails ---
Wed, June 1, 2011, 11:21 a.m.
Val:
I have the sheet out. Want to come and welcome Kayla when she comes home from the hospital? We could put up the sheet. They say she may be released in about a week.
What do you think? I won't know the actual release yet.
I don't want a big crowd but you would be great.
Love,
Stephanie
Wed, June 1, 2011, 11:47:17 a.m.
Hi Steph! That is great news. I plan to hang out with our Kayla ALOT more when she is home. I am planning to visit, along with Mom, tomorrow at the hospital. That Kayla is just the cat's meow. We are going away next week! Yikes. We will be gone from Tuesday through Friday. I drop off Chloe (their dog) in Bethel on Monday and pick her up the following Saturday. Let me know, when you know, Kayla's ETA at home and I will try like heck to BE THERE. Obviously, if I am in Virginia with Mike on business, I will not be able to make the big homecoming, but knowing hospitals, it won't go off on time.
Love to you and that cuddly, cat-loving, death-defying Muffinetta!
Val
Friday, June 3, 2011, 9:35:34 a.m.
Subject: Re: Kayla's Homecoming!
Val:
They are saying between Mon and Thurs. for Kayla release so will see if you are around. It was great seeing you and Mom yesterday.Love to you too,
Stephanie
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