Kayla Quote: "Think of our lives as an extension of each others...we never leave each other...we grow together and each life is a branch of our own."
Short Synopsis: Kayla is having trouble walking. It seems there is always a reason to keep her for a bit longer in the hospital. Things are progressing but it will take time. She is full of anger and bitterness.
Long Story: There is so much pain in Kayla's life. How many ways can one say the word pain? Let's see....suffering, dolor, ache, smart, shooting, twinge, pang, gripe, hurt, cut, sore, soreness, discomfort, cramp, crick, stitch, spasm, convulsion, throe, throb, colic, gripes, torment, torture, agony, anguish, rack, crucifixion, martyrdom, bleed, writhe, wince, inflict, lacerate, chafe, sting, bite, gnaw, stab, grate, gall, fret, prick, pierce, wring, torment, rack, agonize, excruciating, sore, raw....geez....Kayla is feeling a lot of these today.
Oh yes! How about moral pain? Disquiet, dissatisfaction, uneasiness, irritation, worry, infliction, plague, anxiety, sorrow, distress, affliction, woe, bitterness, heartache (really!), fret, sit on thorns, fume, take to heart, grieve, mourn, lament, pine, droop, languish, sink into despair, wretched, miserable woebegone, cheerless, dejected....ok, the best one - brokenhearted! Kayla is definitely brokenhearted.
The poor thing! She has those big tubes in her body and it's sore when they enter her just beside her stomach area. They are interesting to look at - the two are flowing bright red and the other two are maroon. Pump...pump...pump...whir, whir, whir. That's what your blood does inside of you as it empties and fills with oxygen from your lungs. But hey! We don't have this physical pain every single day!
Much of the time, Kayla tells me, "I don't really want to live. Why did you want me to live?"
She explains it would have been easier to let her go. I couldn't let you go....I AM YOUR MOTHER! I am all about life!
----------------------
I wake up in Tarrytown determined to get to the hospital earlier today. Dad follows me around and chats with me but I am all about leaving.
I get to the hospital by 9 a.m. Kayla is sleeping so I go to my special writing corner at the end of the building. It is empty. I sit and rest and look down at all the traffic one block from the river. The cars look like a bunch of Matchbox toys for boys. Even early on a Saturday morning everyone is rushing all around. Where are they going? The bridge is glistening in the early morning light. It is backed up with traffic as usual. It never empties except in the middle of the night when they are ferrying a heart across in an ambulance bringing it for implantation for life for the next person waiting here on the donor list. Kayla is too low on the list to be hopeful yet. She has a few more problems for them to solve as well.
I am almost missing the disheveled Jewish man who at least is an intellect. He quietly reads his bible and other works when he beats me to the coveted corner. If I could just catch a glimpse of him in the hallway at least I know he is still alive. At least I know he is still doing his vigil, as am I, for a beloved family member. I could even tell him I have vacated the corner, that it is his turn. I am not in the mood today to do anything except exist.
I go downstairs to hope for oatmeal but of course there is none on the weekend. I can have the fantasy that it is there for Kayla. It makes her happy. It even gives her joy as she is experiencing all the pain and grief words. I wish her spirit wasn't as broken as it is. I buy salad for breakfast, a terrible choice but I don't want to leave the building in case Kayla wakes up.
I call Arnold.
He is happy to tell me, "There are special letters everywhere in her papers. Little letters."
"Letters?" Yes, letters of love and hope. Little bits of saying hello to her family.
"She knew she was dying but she didn't say anything to us. We look forward to finding them. We keep hoping to find another one."
He has placed her ashes beside her beloved computer. She enjoyed being at that computer. Sometimes the computer lights up at night. If it does, he laughs. He says it is her. He is selling the house they were in for 40 years.
"Isn't that hard?" I ask.
"Yes....no! Without her in it, it's nothing here. Her touch is in every room. I don't want to be here anymore." How is our group, he asks. We should have a special occasion and all get together he suggests. He is missing us.
He continues, "We had no service. It was too late. It took a month to get her back. The autopsy took too long. It said all her organs failed but we don't know everything. It would take $5,000 to get all the records and I don't have that kind of money. I wanted them for my granddaughter who is interested in medicine....I am so glad you called."
I do a quick survey and tell Arnold, "Judy is on the 9th floor, out of the ICU. It's like a holding tank for her up there. She is in dialysis all the time and she's not responding at all. No wakefulness...no reaction to anyone. Still I go and touch her and talk to her. She is Mordechai's mother. She is all of their mothers. Roz is on the fifth floor with her devoted daughter by her side always and Kayla is on the 7th floor with that beautiful Hudson River view. She likes to watch all the action on the water and there is lots of action, like special police boats when people jump off the bridge and they do. Otherwise, she enjoys watching the barges lazily going about their business up and down the river. She sits in a chair and looks out and she watches Pip the baby hawk on her internet. She's in a holding pattern, waiting for someone to donate a new heart for her."
"You are all separated now," he says quietly.
We enjoy talking about the closeness of our special group. We were people from all walks of life, people with loved ones with heart problems.
------------------------------------
Cousins Ryan and Russell come to visit Kayla so she has company, her favorite thing.
She gets pissed at me when I tell her she is demanding too much from the nurses. This is not room service at a hotel. The poor nurse tells me out in the hallway, "I hope when she goes home she won't be calling here every day." Who are we to complain to her? We walk without pain and have decent heart action in our bodies.
Kayla is having trouble walking. Her feet are in too much pain. I meant to keep all of this inside of me but I couldn't help it. Kayla should think of the nurses. Kayla did clean up her tabletop - a small accomplishment, but a good one, nevertheless.
Since she has other company, she can tell me, "You've hurt me again. Just go home, I want to be alone!" I didn't get to sponge bathe her or wash her hair, things we had planned to do. I feel terrible, but free.
I leave.
I see the Bonistallis in the grocery store at home. I tell them Kayla is very excited about Jeff's film he is making. Kayla wants to be an extra and am informed that the extra scene will be on June 25th or 26th. Jeff needs a rustic bar for part of his film making. Thomas has a rustic bar in his cabin.
Tomorrow is the triathlon....wow! Should be good and a physical break for me. Let's see if all that stair climbing at the hospital did me any good? Was it decent for physical training? Hmmm.....
Short Synopsis: Kayla is having trouble walking. It seems there is always a reason to keep her for a bit longer in the hospital. Things are progressing but it will take time. She is full of anger and bitterness.
Long Story: There is so much pain in Kayla's life. How many ways can one say the word pain? Let's see....suffering, dolor, ache, smart, shooting, twinge, pang, gripe, hurt, cut, sore, soreness, discomfort, cramp, crick, stitch, spasm, convulsion, throe, throb, colic, gripes, torment, torture, agony, anguish, rack, crucifixion, martyrdom, bleed, writhe, wince, inflict, lacerate, chafe, sting, bite, gnaw, stab, grate, gall, fret, prick, pierce, wring, torment, rack, agonize, excruciating, sore, raw....geez....Kayla is feeling a lot of these today.
Oh yes! How about moral pain? Disquiet, dissatisfaction, uneasiness, irritation, worry, infliction, plague, anxiety, sorrow, distress, affliction, woe, bitterness, heartache (really!), fret, sit on thorns, fume, take to heart, grieve, mourn, lament, pine, droop, languish, sink into despair, wretched, miserable woebegone, cheerless, dejected....ok, the best one - brokenhearted! Kayla is definitely brokenhearted.
The poor thing! She has those big tubes in her body and it's sore when they enter her just beside her stomach area. They are interesting to look at - the two are flowing bright red and the other two are maroon. Pump...pump...pump...whir, whir, whir. That's what your blood does inside of you as it empties and fills with oxygen from your lungs. But hey! We don't have this physical pain every single day!
Much of the time, Kayla tells me, "I don't really want to live. Why did you want me to live?"
She explains it would have been easier to let her go. I couldn't let you go....I AM YOUR MOTHER! I am all about life!
----------------------
I wake up in Tarrytown determined to get to the hospital earlier today. Dad follows me around and chats with me but I am all about leaving.
I get to the hospital by 9 a.m. Kayla is sleeping so I go to my special writing corner at the end of the building. It is empty. I sit and rest and look down at all the traffic one block from the river. The cars look like a bunch of Matchbox toys for boys. Even early on a Saturday morning everyone is rushing all around. Where are they going? The bridge is glistening in the early morning light. It is backed up with traffic as usual. It never empties except in the middle of the night when they are ferrying a heart across in an ambulance bringing it for implantation for life for the next person waiting here on the donor list. Kayla is too low on the list to be hopeful yet. She has a few more problems for them to solve as well.
I am almost missing the disheveled Jewish man who at least is an intellect. He quietly reads his bible and other works when he beats me to the coveted corner. If I could just catch a glimpse of him in the hallway at least I know he is still alive. At least I know he is still doing his vigil, as am I, for a beloved family member. I could even tell him I have vacated the corner, that it is his turn. I am not in the mood today to do anything except exist.
I go downstairs to hope for oatmeal but of course there is none on the weekend. I can have the fantasy that it is there for Kayla. It makes her happy. It even gives her joy as she is experiencing all the pain and grief words. I wish her spirit wasn't as broken as it is. I buy salad for breakfast, a terrible choice but I don't want to leave the building in case Kayla wakes up.
I call Arnold.
He is happy to tell me, "There are special letters everywhere in her papers. Little letters."
"Letters?" Yes, letters of love and hope. Little bits of saying hello to her family.
"She knew she was dying but she didn't say anything to us. We look forward to finding them. We keep hoping to find another one."
He has placed her ashes beside her beloved computer. She enjoyed being at that computer. Sometimes the computer lights up at night. If it does, he laughs. He says it is her. He is selling the house they were in for 40 years.
"Isn't that hard?" I ask.
"Yes....no! Without her in it, it's nothing here. Her touch is in every room. I don't want to be here anymore." How is our group, he asks. We should have a special occasion and all get together he suggests. He is missing us.
He continues, "We had no service. It was too late. It took a month to get her back. The autopsy took too long. It said all her organs failed but we don't know everything. It would take $5,000 to get all the records and I don't have that kind of money. I wanted them for my granddaughter who is interested in medicine....I am so glad you called."
I do a quick survey and tell Arnold, "Judy is on the 9th floor, out of the ICU. It's like a holding tank for her up there. She is in dialysis all the time and she's not responding at all. No wakefulness...no reaction to anyone. Still I go and touch her and talk to her. She is Mordechai's mother. She is all of their mothers. Roz is on the fifth floor with her devoted daughter by her side always and Kayla is on the 7th floor with that beautiful Hudson River view. She likes to watch all the action on the water and there is lots of action, like special police boats when people jump off the bridge and they do. Otherwise, she enjoys watching the barges lazily going about their business up and down the river. She sits in a chair and looks out and she watches Pip the baby hawk on her internet. She's in a holding pattern, waiting for someone to donate a new heart for her."
"You are all separated now," he says quietly.
We enjoy talking about the closeness of our special group. We were people from all walks of life, people with loved ones with heart problems.
------------------------------------
Cousins Ryan and Russell come to visit Kayla so she has company, her favorite thing.
She gets pissed at me when I tell her she is demanding too much from the nurses. This is not room service at a hotel. The poor nurse tells me out in the hallway, "I hope when she goes home she won't be calling here every day." Who are we to complain to her? We walk without pain and have decent heart action in our bodies.
Kayla is having trouble walking. Her feet are in too much pain. I meant to keep all of this inside of me but I couldn't help it. Kayla should think of the nurses. Kayla did clean up her tabletop - a small accomplishment, but a good one, nevertheless.
Since she has other company, she can tell me, "You've hurt me again. Just go home, I want to be alone!" I didn't get to sponge bathe her or wash her hair, things we had planned to do. I feel terrible, but free.
I leave.
I see the Bonistallis in the grocery store at home. I tell them Kayla is very excited about Jeff's film he is making. Kayla wants to be an extra and am informed that the extra scene will be on June 25th or 26th. Jeff needs a rustic bar for part of his film making. Thomas has a rustic bar in his cabin.
Tomorrow is the triathlon....wow! Should be good and a physical break for me. Let's see if all that stair climbing at the hospital did me any good? Was it decent for physical training? Hmmm.....
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